Fifty Shades of Fucked Up

Before I start I would like to point out that I am not a 50 Shades of Grey fan. I tried to read the books but that woman's writing style is far too painful. Idea was there, execution was very poor. No, what this is about is my fucked up thoughts. The moment when I know they are wrong yet still have them. This entry is about my thoughts and fantasys I have had over the years that are beyond what is seen as socially acceptable.

I found many types of male domination arousing from a young age and as a result questioned my sanity. A young female isn't meant to think that way! Society says they are meant to be strong and confident soon-to-be feminists. They are not meant to think about a power struggle between the different sexes as hot, they are meant to actively fight it. How can someone be both a submissive and a feminist of sorts? I don't really know, but I think I am. I crave the sensation of being dominated but my mind is not so easily molded and my morals remain strong. I suppose I'm still attempting to understand my twisted brain.

Growing up in a world where it is frowned upon for young women to embrace their sexuality is rather difficult. When you have a desire which is not often accepted throughout society makes it even harder. I'm not saying 50 shades was a good book but in a way it has helped me feel less 'fucked up.' So many people are intrigued with the story and the vast popularity of it has seemed to normalise BDSM.

A friend asked me the other day if I had seen the movie. She just saw it and was disgusted. "Why the hell would someone want to hurt their partner like that?" she asked me. I shrugged my shoulders and shook my head. If only she knew.

If this is so wrong then why does it feel so right?

Curious_19 xx

Curiosity Killed the Cat, Right?

Being very new to this I often wonder how far I will take it. How much do I crave the feeling of being dominated and helpless? I have been so curious about this topic for so long but my curiosity was only ever sated in the past with erotic literature or the occasional porn video. I once had a boyfriend that tied me up. It only ever happened once even though I craved much more. I don't think he was into it as much as I was... or perhaps he was but wasn't sure if the feeling was mutual. I was with this person for a year and a half and never once openly discussed my desire for just a little bit more.

An occasion of one off, casual sex was more sexually satisfying than this whole relationship... a one night stand with a man six years my senior who knew what he wanted. He pinned my hands above my head, pulled my hair and bit me. I never knew how hot it could be for someone to slightly hurt me! Sadly, we never spoke again after that night.

I think this might be why I find writing this blog such a turn on, I have never discussed my fetishes openly before and now the opportunity has presented itself. But the question remains... how curious am I? What will I do in order to sate my curiosity? And, did curiosity really kill the cat?

Also, why do you spell curious with a u when curiosity only has an o? Damn you, English.

Curious_19 xx

First Task From Sir

When discussing our fetishes, Sir mentioned that he liked to set tasks. I wasn't sure what kind of tasks but was soon to find out. The first task that Sir assigned me was to wear a g-string backwards for a whole day. I wasn't allowed to touch myself or remove it until he allowed me at 10 pm. The thought of the task was exciting, something that only he and I (now all of you) would know. The pressure would constantly remind me of him.

Admittedly I dreamed about it that night. I dreamed that Sir made me go out all day and kept on teasing me about it. I woke up rather excited to say the least. After a quick shower I picked a very tight fitting black and pink g-string. I put it on backwards and pulled the string hard up against my clit as Sir had instructed. The feeling was interesting. The pressure between my labia was verging on pain... but not quite. There was a slight burning sensation, a heat if you will, between my legs every tiny movement. I am ashamed to say that I didn't last very long. The constant pressure was too much and I couldn't keep my hands away. Sir didn't want me to touch myself so I quickly changed to a more loose fitting g-string... which I know, was another violation of the rules. I went about my day with the constant reminder of Sir's control between my legs.

Curious_19 xx

Like What You See?

The first time I talked to Sir he sent me this photo and asked if it excited me. I had met him through an online dating site which I joined in the spur of the moment because I was curious. I wrote that I wanted a cyber affair but never really thought it would happen. At least definitely not as satisfying as what this has become. I had listed that I was also curious about submission. Sir was right in assuming that this photo would excite me. I'm not sure what it is about it though. Whether it's her bent over the desk for him, him grabbing her by the hair, her hands tied behind her back, the spanking. I'm not sure, maybe it's all of the above. Whatever it was it stirred something within me that I couldn't seem to sate. Sir was right, "notice what I can awaken in you and how deeply those thoughts penetrate you."

Curious_19 xx

48 Hours

I have been given 48 hours by Sir to start a blog about my thoughts, feelings and experiences during my introduction to becoming submissive. Currently I'm on the 12th hour. I created the blog last night but wasn't sure how to start it... but here I am. I suppose I should start with a little bit about myself. I am a 19 year old girl from New Zealand. I'm a university student and I suppose I would fit into the typical university student stereotype in most ways. I'm currently writing this blog instead of the three essays I have due in five days which pretty much sums me up. I thrive in most social situations and love to spend time with my friends. My personality is rather outgoing and doesn't like being told what to do. I'm an outspoken young women and don't hold back if I don't agree with something. However, there is something inside me that seems to want to let this go. Not all the time... just under a mans control.

I think I have always known I wanted to be submissive. I used to have a fantasy (I suppose I still do) about being locked in a room by a powerful man where he would come and visit me every now and again. When I was younger this scenario in my head wasn't overtly sexual but as time went on I started to think about how he would dominate me and tie me up. I use to wonder what this meant and I suppose now I know.

The thought of strangers reading my darkest desires is extremely exciting. When I was first given this task I wasn't sure about how I would feel but here I am and, god, it is exciting!

Curious_19 xx